though internet porn isn't popularly accepted as generally causing harm to anyone (arguably there are some who benefit, and some who are taken advantage of ---but that's beyond the scope of this blog), i've decided to take an adventurous trip down the road of self-restraint as a personal exercise in self-awareness and growth: no more p0rn will be my mantra.

i've come to the gross realization that it devastates my long-term, committed relationship. That's not to say that it harms any and every relationship, but it does harm mine. It makes my girlfriend feel like shit and wastes countless hours of my time.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I'm back!

thank you my blogFriend, driveon2985 at QuittingInternetPorn for the encouragement.
He says:

Hey come back and post something.

Well, I'm here! Oh crap, where do I start. Had a reverse-breakthrough (aka relapse) about a week and a half ago, and I couldn't bring myself to post anything negative without at least trying to mitigate the situation. To make a long story short, I've got a folder (it's amazing how fast one can collect this sht) that I've just deleted (while posting this), because a week and a half is much more wasted time than I wanted or needed. Haven't done laundry, cleaned my apt, etc etc...

But now I'm back. Just posting real quick to let you know. Today I'm starting over. It's nice outside, I'm gonna go see my gf, I got a friend in from out of town, and I got today and tomorrow off from work.

Monday, February 22, 2010

damn. DOF=1 again

I'm proud of myself for not looking at *porn* ---but I found myself on youtube today all of a sudden searching for "almost porn" (no real porn on youtube, duh... lol). Epic fail.

i was having cravings all day watching this tv show that's not intentionally over-sexualized (it's a witty comedy show).... but one of the leading ladies is sexy (I think...) and then I looked up some of her photo spreads, publicity stuff and whatnot. She's doesn't have any super-revealing stuff out there, it was all pretty legit.

but then I was looking up reviews for something on youtube and BOOM. it was over. just like that.

I'm sick (cold/flu) and tired. Just wanna go to bed. tomorrow is another day.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Fuck, I cheated!

Ok, so I'm going to re-start my count:

Days of Freedom beginning tomorrow = 001.

Why? Well, even though I didn't look at porn today (phew....), I was shopping for something for my girlfriend and got a little carried away. As I've been over-sexualizing all the media around me, getting carried away wasn't all that difficult. I just meant a little more lingering than usual, and letting my thoughts run without check.

So, relaxed (3 times over), I realize that I'm not satisfied. Not that the masturbation wasn't good, nor that my visual aides weren't nice, but simply because it wasn't satisfying. I miss my girlfriend and I prefer her to this bullshit. True freedom will come when I'm not jacking off to sexy fashion adds. I'd say it was a pitiful moment, but I refuse to have self-pity. It just reminds me that even if I'm quitting porn ---it's not just about the porn. It's about my mindset and being healthy.

Healthy... what's that? I'm not sure I even know, but I know it can't be healthy to constantly think about porn or to be so sexually repressed that you're jacking off to fashion adds. There's gotta be a balance somewhere in between. Perhaps it's a titrated balance, like the pH of a neutral solution. Hopefully my mind has never been so acidic with filth that it ate itself, or so caustic with cravings that it corroded the useful parts beyond repair. Only time will tell.

But for now, I'm re-setting my count on the basis that I broke the spirit of the rule, albeit not the letter of the rule. And after all, that's what's more important here: It's less for me about quitting porn and more about getting myself to a healthy state of mind.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

On the 12th Day of Freedom, My True Love Gave to Me

My true love didn't really give me anything but a phone call today, but that's pretty normal. It's hump day (wednesday), and I'd like to be humping along like a rabit ---either with her or with myself, but I can't really do either.

Well, I suppose I could be humping along with myself but it's just not the same without porn. I still masturbate, but not as often. Though this morning --every time I woke up to hit the snooze button (3 times)-- I couldn't help but notice a rock-hard stallion under the sheets, it didn't prompt me to masturbate until cumming. I still grabbed it for pleasure, but I didn't want to be late late for work.

I used to stop by my old house on my lunch breaks sometime to grab a quick bite and swing a quickie to make the day better, but I've yet to do that without porn. I used to masturbate nightly before bed (it makes falling asleep much easier for an insomniac), but I haven't done it that regularly since quitting cold turkey.

I might take up exercising again if I feel stressed more. I dunno, I have two-hour periods of stress/stresslessness. I'll be really relaxed for a little while, then I'll feel really stressed. And then I'll be relaxed, and then be stressed. I don't get it. Maybe it's work, but I think it's also not getting in all the hanky panky (handy dandy or otherwise) that I'm used to. This would be so much easier if my girlfriend lived anywhere in a 50mi radius. I'd drive a half hour everyday easy just to see her and spend time with her (daily or multi-daily sexual releases with her ease my mind and body so much... she is ask skillful as they cum, satisfaction guaranteed).

Not having her around doesn't make this any easier...


Monday, February 15, 2010

Craving while tired

I'm tired. Stressed. And craving. Baaad. I just got home from work and I want some, now. Just to comfort me. Something familiar that I have control over. I'm hungry but I'd rather have some quality porn. Video preferably

Just saw some music videos on TV. They never use to do anything for me (I found them dumb, pointless, and practically worthless). Now, I'm glued to the TV hoping to catch a glimpse of something I like.

My minor problem getting it up was very shortlived (which I'm happy about), but now I'm on the other side of the fence. I'm oversexualizing everything on TV, everything around me, and I'm suffering through the thought that I'll always be like this. I think I remember why I originally started looking at porn on a very regular basis: I'm a very sexual person and it gave me a socially acceptable outlet (even though I hid it from everyone) for expressing my desires passively.

It allowed me to get past my 1-track mind. As long as I knew I could have porn whenever I got home, I didn't have to think about sex constantly. I didn't have to walk around with my dick popping out of my pants. I didn't have to fantasize about the girl I met at the cash register, or the waitress at the restaurant. I didn't have to savor the cleavage in that girl's low cut blouse, or the fullness I can make out under her friend's pants. I didn't have to look just a little bit harder to make out that girl's nipples, or her cameltoe.

But now, sometimes it's all I can think about. Is this what other guy's are like all the time? No wonder why girl's think guys are pigs.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Guilty of Being Guilty: Some Thoughts on Motivation

driveon2985 said
A lot of guys talk about feeling guilty about their pornography use as if they deserve the negative feeling. This is just a trap we set for ourselves. We look at pornography and then we punish ourselves by feeling guilty then when the guilt fades we look at pornography again. The reason this happens is because guilt is a lame punishment. All it does is make you feel negative and down on yourself which then causes you to feel stressed out. When a human being is feeling negative, down on himself/herself and stressed out, they seek escape. Pornography is a behavior we use to escape and its often the easiest form after one of these guilt sessions we give ourselves.
We should feel guilty if we know it isn't right ---even if it's only a little guilt deep inside of us. We need not necessarily feel remorse (especially in a society where pornography is so widely accepted as a cultural norm). It seems to me that most people's first experiences with porn involve at least a small amount of guilt (naturally), but we keep exploring the wide world of pornography as a "guilty pleasure" because it feels so damn good.

If we didn't experience any guilt (for something we felt was wrong --like hurting someone else), then we'd be blurring the line between "normal" and "psychopathic." Guilt, albeit both a horrible motivator and a great stressor, is a useful human emotional reaction that reflects the state of one's conscience. It serves as a flag for us ---not as a referee. We're our own referee. Fuck doing something (or not doing something) because I feel bad about it, I should be doing something (or not) because I feel good about it.

That is, in the end, I want to be porn-free because I feel good about giving myself to the love of my life completely, and because I feel good about using my time in more constructive ways. In the same way, I feel good when she gives herself to me entirely and unreservedly.

I don't "not fuck random girls" because I'd feel bad about it (though I would; excuse the awkward double negative), but rather, I simply only make love to the love of my life because it's more fulfilling that way. It's not a cheap trick of euphemisms to swindle one's own thoughts into compliance, it's more about asking what's the motivator? Because honestly, positive motivators are much more effective than negative ones.

That guilt feeling our conscience springs on us isn't meant to be a cattle-prod, forcing us toward the desired destination. It's supposed to be like riding over the raised yellow lanes on the freeway: if you know what you're doing ---go for it. But if you weren't paying attention --stop drifting before something happens!

Well, at least that's my take on guilt when it comes to things of little consequence. And though I'm contradicting the whole point of my journal here, porn is one of those things "of little consequence." If for no other reason, it's so because we don't usually see the harm it causes. One can argue that porn is a horrible evil and that those involved in the making of it are often scarred and taken advantage of and blah blah BLAH. It may be true, but the fact is that people don't feel that way because they don't see the hurt, pain, or harm caused by the industry. It's like getting your clothes from a company who uses child labor: if you don't think about it or see it, then you probably won't care or feel guilty about it.

And that's how porn is. Most people don't feel guilty because they feel for those who have been taken advantage of. If they feel guilty at all it's because they believe it to be taboo or because they know they're doing something they aught not to do (wasting time, cheating on their gf, etc...)

So yeah, guilt is a lame punishment. But the problem isn't that a lot of guys have chosen a lame punishment to keep them from looking at porn, it's that they've chosen punishment as a motivator.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

minor success number 002

Every day is a minor success, but today after checking my email I type "porn" into my address bar. My favorite porn video site appeared in the drop-down menu.

All I had to do was press "enter" for a peek. I wasn't going to watch any videos, just look at the listings.... But I knew that I'd never be able "just to look at the listings" and that I'd be watching videos and jacking off.

So I typed in my blog address and thankfully had a comment. I read it, and posted a response/entry. I think this journal is helping. Even in the little moments of weakness.

I deleted my history so it wouldn't show up in my address bar again.

This is so stupid. Whats the harm of a little porn!? I'm angry and frustrated for not being able to watch any.

Porn and "Cheating"

driveon2985 said:
Without pornography, its really tough at first to get fully aroused. Our imagination isn't as powerful as the internet.

If you're like me, you're going to find yourself checking out girls on the street more often and then feeling frustrated that you can't take out your desires on women online (where it isn't technically cheating on your girlfriend).
Arg... if only internet porn wasn't really cheating on my girlfriend... Well, it isn't really "physically" cheating on her, but it is really "emotionally/psychologically" cheating on her. Lusting after another woman, period, is the act we're talking about, right? And you're 100% correct: for some reason since we never consummate our lust we just don't feel that guilty after porn.

Granted --it would be worse to physically carry out our lust in the flesh with someone else. Why though? What separates porn from that action? Is it that different if someone came over and gave me a blow job? I think yes and no, the reasons or which are different for men and women. I think men have an easier time separating sex and emotional attachment (in general). It seems to me, through simple observation over the years, that it's generally accepted amongst men that sometimes they want "just a fuck". It's not love, it's a no-strings-attached fuckbuddy session to relieve some stress and fulfill some basic human needs.

On the other hand, for women, this seems to be much harder and general. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, either; I'm simply making an observation. For a lot of women, when they have sex with someone there's more to it than the mechanics of fucking --there's some level of emotional attachment. Now, some women fall into the previous category and that's why there are some true-to-life fuckbuddies, and some men fall into the other camp, but the truth is that most of us fall somewhere in-between.

Bear with my blanket statements for a moment...

So for a woman to see a man having sex, it feels like he's letting himself become emotionally attached to someone else. For a guy looking at himself in the mirror, though, looking at porn is a no-strings-attached deal (I tell myself). There's no love there, obviously, just some cum and a warm rag. But somehow deep inside I know I lie to myself. It does affect my relationship. As would having sex with someone else. Maybe they're not exactly the same, but in the end they both have a negative impact on something I hold dear. Even letting myself become attached or involved in a non-physical but emotional or flirty way is pretty bad. And in this sense, it's all cheating if we're not being 100% loyal in thought, emotion, and body.

Nobody's perfect, everybody slips up, but hopefully it never gets past the thought stage into the emotion stage or the physical one --cuz then you're fucked. Literally. And watch yourself when you're punch-drunk-inebriated because it's easy to skip that emotional stage when drunk and go straight to the fucking.

So, let me get this straight: it's "just as bad" to look at a girl-next-door porn video and jack off to it a billion times as it is to have the girl from down the street walk into your apartment and give you a blow job. On the flip side, it's actually worse if it happens in real life?

Nothing makes sense anymore. All I know is that if I do either i'm toast. And why would I want to do either if they're both something that hurts my relationship?

That's a damn good question and one that I'll write off to the imperfect carnal nature of the human soul... because we all have our moments when we'd like to do both. Hopefully someday I'll be so far removed from porn that I won't crave it anymore. As life would have it, It seems that after several years in a serious relationship I less and less crave one of those one-night-stands that I used to dream of (and enjoy once in a while) as a young, single, available male.

But if driveon2985 is right, I'll have to keep all my cravings in check as the withdrawal symptoms kick in, because I think I did use it sometimes to relieve desires I avoided having with women I knew or met in real life. Why check her out when I know I can stare with no limit at someone and not even have to imagine *this or that* because I can actually watch it. Over and over again.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Depression and Erectile Issues (DoF=3)

If Friday was my first day not looking at any porn, that means that today is my 3rd. I'd celebrate, except for the fact that this weekend was the first time in my life that I couldn't seem to get it up all the way for no apparent reason.

I'm really tempted to look at some mind-blowing, HQ streaming, anything-I-want porn to see if it'll get me up all the way, but I feel like that's a bad idea. Plus, I'm on day 3, why break the streak?

It's pretty depressing (not gonna lie) first quitting porn and then not being able to get it up. I haven't seen my gf for a couple of weeks (this long-distance thing is starting to wear on me) and I hope this isn't anything physical in nature because when I see her next weekend I'd like to be able to have the *fun* that we always do.

Maybe I'm just (1) stressed, (2) tired, and (3) emotionally effected in such a way that the sum of everything is keeping me from getting it right. And by "right" I mean vein-pumping, head throbbing, wet-towel-holding hardness. Stressed because of work. Tired because of work. And emotionally effected because of all this that's going on, and other personal stuff.

Anyways, I don't see porn being a problem if I can't get it up all the way and sustain it for a reasonable amount of time. That's just depressing. WTF is wrong with me!? I'm in my mid 20's and this is the first time ever I've had an issue. Usually I'm standing at attention way before the race bell rings and can generally control whether I'm going to sprint or run a marathon with no problem.

But before I either sprint or run a marathon I gotta be able to stand up "right". God, I hope this just magically goes away by itself in the next couple of days.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Private Parts and Anonymity (D.o.F.=001)

Closed my laptop for bed.
Didn't install the software yet.
Opened it back up before bed.
Opened my browser.
Highlighted the address bar
Typed a favored porn site's address
Highlighted the address bar again
Typed my blog address instead.

Minor Success #001.

I started this journal the other day but hadn't started counting Days of Abstinence ---scratch that because DOA isn't a good acronym--- but hadn't started counting Days of Freedom because, to be honest, after writing I had one last go round the merry-go-round until the wee hours of the morning. What a pathetic waste.

Tonight will be my 1st Day of Freedom, which is a "pretty private" success, pun intended. Porn has never been a social thing for me, except if I count being pretty young and watching it with an older friend I had. And one time watching another friend's homemade sex-tape of him and some girl he boned. Wow, those were different days and a much different crowd. And I was young. Honestly, I can't believe some of the things that I did (not only in this arena, but in others). Anyways, those were the early days when I didn't have total privacy at my leisure all the time and that was the circle of friends I grew up with.I've cut ties with them long since (for totally unrelated reasons).

The point is, porn has been private for me since forever it seems. I don't talk about it with my friends (except for recently having mentioned to one friend that my girlfriend found some porn on my computer and that she was upset), or in various circumstances having referred to it during a moment of humor. The only person I've really talked about it with is my girlfriend, and even then, that's been limited for obvious reasons.

Though I'm sure to have more "1st day of freedom"s, I'm happy tonight because I've made it to day 1. Perhaps it's because my new-found anonymity via this journal gives me some balls to actually be honest about the struggle and to vocalize my thoughts rather than simply internalizing them, or maybe I'm just so tired that I'm getting delusional, but I have to say, "freedom" is definitely a becoming adjective for the feeling that's just come over me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll masturbate tonight, probably more than once. And while it will be a long while before I'm really free, at least I've temporarily emancipated my optic nerve from the daily dosage of clockwork-orange punishment I've taught myself to drink-in through my retina, if only for one night.

P.S. I promise to be honest with my Days of Freedom, though they might turn out to be as elusory as other DOF acronyms like a camera's "depth of field," or worse, a diatomic ideal gas molecule's "degrees of freedom" in movement. But that's OK. It just makes my acronym all the more fitting.

Cigerettes, Porn Filters, and Love

I posted on driveon2985's blog about using K9 filter and he replied (in part)

You know I thought the same thing. I thought if I was able to see how many wasted hours each week went into pornography that it would motivate me to stay away but in a weak moment it doesn't.


Filtering (without the ability to bypass it) is like moving to a far away country where cigarettes don't exist.
If I were a serious smoker, that would sound daunting I'm sure. I used to smoke when I was younger, had my first go at it even before middle school. I smoked on and off throughout the years but have never let myself become a "smoker". Every once in a blue moon when I'm really stressed out (or buzzed real nice on a night out) I'll get a craving for one. It's funny, really, because once I get going, boy am I chain-smoker. I can stand there and easily smoke 3 or 4 fags in a row. But if I'm not craving any, they don't tempt me sitting on the coffee table. I can't tell you how many half-packs I've given (or thrown) away simply because I'm not smoking them. In fact, there's a pack of cloves in my bathroom right now from 3 weeks ago.

But porn isn't the same for me. It's similar in that --once I start-- it's nearly impossible to stop. I've literally been up-till-dawn more times than I can count looking for that "one more" slice of perfect quality pie before bed. If I'm busy and distracted with no time to spend alone at home, or busy with a hobby, I don't mind being porn-free, or cigarette free. But when I've got idle hands ---boy do they type and click away without my instruction... a tap-tap-tap of the keyboard and in about 2.7seconds I'm locked in like the matrix, ready for another round of visually stimulating pleasure. And that's quite different than smoking for me ---because I can control my smoking and I wouldn't ever really miss it if I never took another drag again. But controlling my porn impulses, that's a different story. You're are right relapsing:
You can't control which part of you is going to show up at any given time. You may be able to suppress that part of you that wants pornography for a period of time but eventually, in a weak moment, it will come back and you'll be right back in the pornography game.
I think I'll install the filter myself and see how it goes. My hope is that it'll provide a buffer --not so much as a wall. I was never really into print or dvd porn because it was a hassle to get (and embarrassing at that), but free online porn has sucked me in through ease-of-access. On the other hand, I will definitely try to figure out how to log the things I (try to) look at. If I know my gf is gonna "see" what I see, the sheer fear of her reaction (and pain in her hurt) might keep me from looking at something dirty to begin with. In fact --no this isn't a plug because I haven't bought the program-- I am very interested in the CovenentEyes software that seems geared towards just this type of thing. Perhaps I'll try that x3watch first because it's free.

Though I do have a legitimate interest in black+white studio portraiture and figure studies that somehow I don't see getting through these filters (and no, that's not a euphemism for softcore). But eh, I can do without for a while anyway ---I have some learning to do about lighting technique that will usurp it's place. And I'm not quite sure what to do about other sex-related media. I generally separate things by purpose: if it's salacious it's questionable, but if it's not specifically made to get you off (and you're not getting off on it), then it's not really porn. Even so, there's a blurry line there and some gray in between. For example, I've got several pin-ups from the 40's/50's around my place because I like this style of illustration from that period. I never get off on them (though they are sexy), but I'm sure when they were painted it was understood that young guys and soldiers would use them as masturbation aids. Oh how times have changed (and how fast we become desensitized). And, as another example, I just watched an indie film that was more or less a character study. The movie fails for me as a character study because it felt incomplete and lacking, but the sex in it was quite often explicit. It wasn't porn to me, but rather a pretty sorry excuse for an award-winning film. Before I saw it, I'd watch it with my gf without giving it a second thought, but it's only after judging it as an indie-failure that I wonder if she'd wonder what I'm thinking during the sex scenes because they comprise a large part of the film. I wonder if she'd be uncomfortable or self-conscious, not because she's prude (because she's not), but because she knows I'm addicted a porn addict.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. And here comes the hard part because usually it's "just a quick look before bed". Wish me well. I'll see about the software. Perhaps now is a good time to install it. I haven't yet told her about this blog, but I'm planning on it sometime in the future. I want to get used to being honest with myself first, because otherwise you'll be reading some rather boring self-filtered self-indulgent bullshit written to cover my ass and to keep my gf from being hurt. The truth is, well, some of what I say is probably going to hurt her. Period. Honesty is raw.

I don't want her to get hurt, but more importantly, I don't want to hurt her. I'd rather not do something that I know hurts her than do it and simply cover it up so as to avoid the pain and suffering. The latter option sounds like a nice thing to do, but it's pretty damn selfish (and shameless). It's like saying "I love her so much that I don't want her to ever find out I'm fucking her best friend." The truth is, if you know it's going to ruin the relationship and tear her heart to pieces, why fuck her best friend!? That's not love.

But, just because I look at porn doesn't mean I don't love her! If I'd fallen to temptation once before and cheated on her (with a real person), that doesn't necessarily mean I don't love her. But sure as hell, if I cheated on her all the time, that might be a sign of 1 of 2 things: either I don't really care about her all that much (aka I'm a jackass dickhead stringing her along), or I've got some serious issues.

I've self-diagnosed myself with serious porn-addiction issues. But it's only out of trust that she believes and knows in her heart that I love her, and that I love her more than my self-indulgent, narcissistic, porn-addict habits. And that's not easy, because I'm sure she has to question it sometimes ---especially since my actions demonstrate a specific pattern of behavior which includes practically pathologically lying about porn because I don't want it to ruin our (other than this) pretty damn awesome relationship. It's been easier up until this point to put it in a secret corner and not deal with it ---to compartmentalize it as something that has "no effect on anything" and is therefore irrelevant to any conversation. But I've come to a crossroads now. I've tried on my own and failed. I don't want to be like this anymore but I can't stop it with sheer will power (which is a blow to my ego, because will power is pretty much the shit). Am I ever going to be able to live a life without porn?

I hope.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

There's no way I'm gonna do this alone (trust me, I tried)

As the curtain pulls, we join no.more.p0rn's life in media res:

Yesterday I assured my girlfriend I wouldn't look at any "dirty" things while searching online for some fun valentine's day toys. I lied. In fact, I'd already watched some internet girl fake an orgasm while using a top-of-the-line vibrator.

I couldn't tell her the truth. She's stressed out this week with work and family stuff, and she'd thrown a fit several weeks ago as her reality shattered on a weekend visit when she found some old porn I had.

Actually, it was really old and I'd forgotten about it (they were bookmarks on my browser), but that's besides the point because I'd proudly gone a whole week or two without looking at any porn. For me this felt monumental, so I exaggerated and said it'd been a month or two. Even as she cried, disgusted with me, I lied to her.

See, we'd been here before, about a year or so into our relationship when the issue had come up. She cried and felt like shit, and I felt ashamed and guilty. I promised to not look at porn anymore and we put it behind us. Her assumption until now is that I didn't frequently look at any porn other than our organic home-grown variety (stays offline on an external HD for fear of the worst btw), but this assumption was grossly misguided mostly because I lead her to believe that was the case.

The truth is this: I've been masturbating since before I could ejaculate and fantasizing about all sorts of fun things since then. Before puberty graced me with it's company, I'd already been exposed to porn through friends, their older siblings, and the internet (though I'm sure my parents did their best to prevent it, God bless their hearts). Since then, I can't remember a time when I didn't look at copious amounts of porn and masturbate daily (OK, sometimes not daily, but i'm sure all of the 5-times-a-day weeks make up for that). Suffice it to say: It feels totally normal and natural for me to look at porn (and then hide it by lying).

So here we are now, after stumbling upon similar blogs, I've decided to have another go at this "honestly giving up porn" business. Why? Will it save society? Will it keep me from fire and brimstone? Will it ...NO. My answer is this: I'm going to give up porn because that's what's necessary to keep my long-term, committed relationship healthy (and to keep me healthy!). I'd like to eventually raise children in a porn-free house, and I'd like to have a wonderful marriage where my wife doesn't feel like shit because I look at porn all the time. Like it or not, it's a fact of life that she feels insignificant, unimportant, and not loved when I lie to her about it. That's why. It's a personal decision. And no she's not some overbearing evil hawk-eyed jealous life-sucker, either, lol; She's actually very sweet, kind, understanding, very loving, a mind-blowing lover, fun, funny, etc etc (I could go on for hours...) and just overall amazing and hot.

We're in our early-to-mid 20's, moderates, and have been together for 5+years now. Yes, I think we'll get married but now is not the time (for career and other reasons). We're pretty darn normal, have a very fun, creative, and mutually satisfying sex-life (though it's kind of long distance now since I recently moved about a 4hrs drive away). I just don't want to lie anymore. And I don't want to come home and crave seeing someone else's intimacy all over my computer screen.

I'm an artist (though I may not do that for a living), and I have a huge appreciation for the male and female figures. Especially women, of course. I love TITS. I love ASS. I love PUSSY. I'm a guy. In fact, there's several other parts of a woman's body I love --but let's not get carried away. I just want to be totally honest with her, and for her to know that even though I am fascinated with these things in general, it doesn't mean that I don't love her. And she gets that, except when I'm jacking off to some other hot b*tch's cumshot compilation. And that's why I'm quitting this internet porn crap. Not for society, not for religion. Mostly for us. I benefit by winning back my life (I can't tell you how many hours I've spent tugging on myself in front of my computer), further deepening our honesty in communication, and setting the foundation for a lifetime of mutually satisfying sex (yes, for some weird reason our sex is better when I'm not jacking off 5 times a day to other girls...). And this way I can avoid hurting her, because as cheezy and lame as it sounds, when I see her hurt that much it hurts me.

Wouldn't it be easier if i convinced her that softcore porn isn't really all that bad and that she'd enjoy watching with me? then we can get off to porn together.... Oh how much easier it would be if i didn't understand deep inside that somehow it's still gotta be harmful to our relationship... I wish... I'm pretty sure even in some fantasy future if she did watch porn with me, on the inside, it would make her feel like shit.