though internet porn isn't popularly accepted as generally causing harm to anyone (arguably there are some who benefit, and some who are taken advantage of ---but that's beyond the scope of this blog), i've decided to take an adventurous trip down the road of self-restraint as a personal exercise in self-awareness and growth: no more p0rn will be my mantra.

i've come to the gross realization that it devastates my long-term, committed relationship. That's not to say that it harms any and every relationship, but it does harm mine. It makes my girlfriend feel like shit and wastes countless hours of my time.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Private Parts and Anonymity (D.o.F.=001)

Closed my laptop for bed.
Didn't install the software yet.
Opened it back up before bed.
Opened my browser.
Highlighted the address bar
Typed a favored porn site's address
Highlighted the address bar again
Typed my blog address instead.

Minor Success #001.

I started this journal the other day but hadn't started counting Days of Abstinence ---scratch that because DOA isn't a good acronym--- but hadn't started counting Days of Freedom because, to be honest, after writing I had one last go round the merry-go-round until the wee hours of the morning. What a pathetic waste.

Tonight will be my 1st Day of Freedom, which is a "pretty private" success, pun intended. Porn has never been a social thing for me, except if I count being pretty young and watching it with an older friend I had. And one time watching another friend's homemade sex-tape of him and some girl he boned. Wow, those were different days and a much different crowd. And I was young. Honestly, I can't believe some of the things that I did (not only in this arena, but in others). Anyways, those were the early days when I didn't have total privacy at my leisure all the time and that was the circle of friends I grew up with.I've cut ties with them long since (for totally unrelated reasons).

The point is, porn has been private for me since forever it seems. I don't talk about it with my friends (except for recently having mentioned to one friend that my girlfriend found some porn on my computer and that she was upset), or in various circumstances having referred to it during a moment of humor. The only person I've really talked about it with is my girlfriend, and even then, that's been limited for obvious reasons.

Though I'm sure to have more "1st day of freedom"s, I'm happy tonight because I've made it to day 1. Perhaps it's because my new-found anonymity via this journal gives me some balls to actually be honest about the struggle and to vocalize my thoughts rather than simply internalizing them, or maybe I'm just so tired that I'm getting delusional, but I have to say, "freedom" is definitely a becoming adjective for the feeling that's just come over me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll masturbate tonight, probably more than once. And while it will be a long while before I'm really free, at least I've temporarily emancipated my optic nerve from the daily dosage of clockwork-orange punishment I've taught myself to drink-in through my retina, if only for one night.

P.S. I promise to be honest with my Days of Freedom, though they might turn out to be as elusory as other DOF acronyms like a camera's "depth of field," or worse, a diatomic ideal gas molecule's "degrees of freedom" in movement. But that's OK. It just makes my acronym all the more fitting.

No comments:

Post a Comment