There's no way I'm gonna do this alone (trust me, I tried)

As the curtain pulls, we join no.more.p0rn's life in media res:

Yesterday I assured my girlfriend I wouldn't look at any "dirty" things while searching online for some fun valentine's day toys. I lied. In fact, I'd already watched some internet girl fake an orgasm while using a top-of-the-line vibrator.

I couldn't tell her the truth. She's stressed out this week with work and family stuff, and she'd thrown a fit several weeks ago as her reality shattered on a weekend visit when she found some old porn I had.

Actually, it was really old and I'd forgotten about it (they were bookmarks on my browser), but that's besides the point because I'd proudly gone a whole week or two without looking at any porn. For me this felt monumental, so I exaggerated and said it'd been a month or two. Even as she cried, disgusted with me, I lied to her.

See, we'd been here before, about a year or so into our relationship when the issue had come up. She cried and felt like shit, and I felt ashamed and guilty. I promised to not look at porn anymore and we put it behind us. Her assumption until now is that I didn't frequently look at any porn other than our organic home-grown variety (stays offline on an external HD for fear of the worst btw), but this assumption was grossly misguided mostly because I lead her to believe that was the case.

The truth is this: I've been masturbating since before I could ejaculate and fantasizing about all sorts of fun things since then. Before puberty graced me with it's company, I'd already been exposed to porn through friends, their older siblings, and the internet (though I'm sure my parents did their best to prevent it, God bless their hearts). Since then, I can't remember a time when I didn't look at copious amounts of porn and masturbate daily (OK, sometimes not daily, but i'm sure all of the 5-times-a-day weeks make up for that). Suffice it to say: It feels totally normal and natural for me to look at porn (and then hide it by lying).

So here we are now, after stumbling upon similar blogs, I've decided to have another go at this "honestly giving up porn" business. Why? Will it save society? Will it keep me from fire and brimstone? Will it ...NO. My answer is this: I'm going to give up porn because that's what's necessary to keep my long-term, committed relationship healthy (and to keep me healthy!). I'd like to eventually raise children in a porn-free house, and I'd like to have a wonderful marriage where my wife doesn't feel like shit because I look at porn all the time. Like it or not, it's a fact of life that she feels insignificant, unimportant, and not loved when I lie to her about it. That's why. It's a personal decision. And no she's not some overbearing evil hawk-eyed jealous life-sucker, either, lol; She's actually very sweet, kind, understanding, very loving, a mind-blowing lover, fun, funny, etc etc (I could go on for hours...) and just overall amazing and hot.

We're in our early-to-mid 20's, moderates, and have been together for 5+years now. Yes, I think we'll get married but now is not the time (for career and other reasons). We're pretty darn normal, have a very fun, creative, and mutually satisfying sex-life (though it's kind of long distance now since I recently moved about a 4hrs drive away). I just don't want to lie anymore. And I don't want to come home and crave seeing someone else's intimacy all over my computer screen.

I'm an artist (though I may not do that for a living), and I have a huge appreciation for the male and female figures. Especially women, of course. I love TITS. I love ASS. I love PUSSY. I'm a guy. In fact, there's several other parts of a woman's body I love --but let's not get carried away. I just want to be totally honest with her, and for her to know that even though I am fascinated with these things in general, it doesn't mean that I don't love her. And she gets that, except when I'm jacking off to some other hot b*tch's cumshot compilation. And that's why I'm quitting this internet porn crap. Not for society, not for religion. Mostly for us. I benefit by winning back my life (I can't tell you how many hours I've spent tugging on myself in front of my computer), further deepening our honesty in communication, and setting the foundation for a lifetime of mutually satisfying sex (yes, for some weird reason our sex is better when I'm not jacking off 5 times a day to other girls...). And this way I can avoid hurting her, because as cheezy and lame as it sounds, when I see her hurt that much it hurts me.

Wouldn't it be easier if i convinced her that softcore porn isn't really all that bad and that she'd enjoy watching with me? then we can get off to porn together.... Oh how much easier it would be if i didn't understand deep inside that somehow it's still gotta be harmful to our relationship... I wish... I'm pretty sure even in some fantasy future if she did watch porn with me, on the inside, it would make her feel like shit.