You know I thought the same thing. I thought if I was able to see how many wasted hours each week went into pornography that it would motivate me to stay away but in a weak moment it doesn't.If I were a serious smoker, that would sound daunting I'm sure. I used to smoke when I was younger, had my first go at it even before middle school. I smoked on and off throughout the years but have never let myself become a "smoker". Every once in a blue moon when I'm really stressed out (or buzzed real nice on a night out) I'll get a craving for one. It's funny, really, because once I get going, boy am I chain-smoker. I can stand there and easily smoke 3 or 4 fags in a row. But if I'm not craving any, they don't tempt me sitting on the coffee table. I can't tell you how many half-packs I've given (or thrown) away simply because I'm not smoking them. In fact, there's a pack of cloves in my bathroom right now from 3 weeks ago.
...
Filtering (without the ability to bypass it) is like moving to a far away country where cigarettes don't exist.
But porn isn't the same for me. It's similar in that --once I start-- it's nearly impossible to stop. I've literally been up-till-dawn more times than I can count looking for that "one more" slice of perfect quality pie before bed. If I'm busy and distracted with no time to spend alone at home, or busy with a hobby, I don't mind being porn-free, or cigarette free. But when I've got idle hands ---boy do they type and click away without my instruction... a tap-tap-tap of the keyboard and in about 2.7seconds I'm locked in like the matrix, ready for another round of visually stimulating pleasure. And that's quite different than smoking for me ---because I can control my smoking and I wouldn't ever really miss it if I never took another drag again. But controlling my porn impulses, that's a different story. You're are right relapsing:
You can't control which part of you is going to show up at any given time. You may be able to suppress that part of you that wants pornography for a period of time but eventually, in a weak moment, it will come back and you'll be right back in the pornography game.I think I'll install the filter myself and see how it goes. My hope is that it'll provide a buffer --not so much as a wall. I was never really into print or dvd porn because it was a hassle to get (and embarrassing at that), but free online porn has sucked me in through ease-of-access. On the other hand, I will definitely try to figure out how to log the things I (try to) look at. If I know my gf is gonna "see" what I see, the sheer fear of her reaction (and pain in her hurt) might keep me from looking at something dirty to begin with. In fact --no this isn't a plug because I haven't bought the program-- I am very interested in the CovenentEyes software that seems geared towards just this type of thing. Perhaps I'll try that x3watch first because it's free.
Though I do have a legitimate interest in black+white studio portraiture and figure studies that somehow I don't see getting through these filters (and no, that's not a euphemism for softcore). But eh, I can do without for a while anyway ---I have some learning to do about lighting technique that will usurp it's place. And I'm not quite sure what to do about other sex-related media. I generally separate things by purpose: if it's salacious it's questionable, but if it's not specifically made to get you off (and you're not getting off on it), then it's not really porn. Even so, there's a blurry line there and some gray in between. For example, I've got several pin-ups from the 40's/50's around my place because I like this style of illustration from that period. I never get off on them (though they are sexy), but I'm sure when they were painted it was understood that young guys and soldiers would use them as masturbation aids. Oh how times have changed (and how fast we become desensitized). And, as another example, I just watched an indie film that was more or less a character study. The movie fails for me as a character study because it felt incomplete and lacking, but the sex in it was quite often explicit. It wasn't porn to me, but rather a pretty sorry excuse for an award-winning film. Before I saw it, I'd watch it with my gf without giving it a second thought, but it's only after judging it as an indie-failure that I wonder if she'd wonder what I'm thinking during the sex scenes because they comprise a large part of the film. I wonder if she'd be uncomfortable or self-conscious, not because she's prude (because she's not), but because she knows I'm addicted a porn addict.
Anyways, I'm off to bed. And here comes the hard part because usually it's "just a quick look before bed". Wish me well. I'll see about the software. Perhaps now is a good time to install it. I haven't yet told her about this blog, but I'm planning on it sometime in the future. I want to get used to being honest with myself first, because otherwise you'll be reading some rather boring self-filtered self-indulgent bullshit written to cover my ass and to keep my gf from being hurt. The truth is, well, some of what I say is probably going to hurt her. Period. Honesty is raw.
I don't want her to get hurt, but more importantly, I don't want to hurt her. I'd rather not do something that I know hurts her than do it and simply cover it up so as to avoid the pain and suffering. The latter option sounds like a nice thing to do, but it's pretty damn selfish (and shameless). It's like saying "I love her so much that I don't want her to ever find out I'm fucking her best friend." The truth is, if you know it's going to ruin the relationship and tear her heart to pieces, why fuck her best friend!? That's not love.
But, just because I look at porn doesn't mean I don't love her! If I'd fallen to temptation once before and cheated on her (with a real person), that doesn't necessarily mean I don't love her. But sure as hell, if I cheated on her all the time, that might be a sign of 1 of 2 things: either I don't really care about her all that much (aka I'm a jackass dickhead stringing her along), or I've got some serious issues.
I've self-diagnosed myself with serious porn-addiction issues. But it's only out of trust that she believes and knows in her heart that I love her, and that I love her more than my self-indulgent, narcissistic, porn-addict habits. And that's not easy, because I'm sure she has to question it sometimes ---especially since my actions demonstrate a specific pattern of behavior which includes practically pathologically lying about porn because I don't want it to ruin our (other than this) pretty damn awesome relationship. It's been easier up until this point to put it in a secret corner and not deal with it ---to compartmentalize it as something that has "no effect on anything" and is therefore irrelevant to any conversation. But I've come to a crossroads now. I've tried on my own and failed. I don't want to be like this anymore but I can't stop it with sheer will power (which is a blow to my ego, because will power is pretty much the shit). Am I ever going to be able to live a life without porn?
I hope.
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