Fuck, I cheated!

Ok, so I'm going to re-start my count:

Days of Freedom beginning tomorrow = 001.

Why? Well, even though I didn't look at porn today (phew....), I was shopping for something for my girlfriend and got a little carried away. As I've been over-sexualizing all the media around me, getting carried away wasn't all that difficult. I just meant a little more lingering than usual, and letting my thoughts run without check.

So, relaxed (3 times over), I realize that I'm not satisfied. Not that the masturbation wasn't good, nor that my visual aides weren't nice, but simply because it wasn't satisfying. I miss my girlfriend and I prefer her to this bullshit. True freedom will come when I'm not jacking off to sexy fashion adds. I'd say it was a pitiful moment, but I refuse to have self-pity. It just reminds me that even if I'm quitting porn ---it's not just about the porn. It's about my mindset and being healthy.

Healthy... what's that? I'm not sure I even know, but I know it can't be healthy to constantly think about porn or to be so sexually repressed that you're jacking off to fashion adds. There's gotta be a balance somewhere in between. Perhaps it's a titrated balance, like the pH of a neutral solution. Hopefully my mind has never been so acidic with filth that it ate itself, or so caustic with cravings that it corroded the useful parts beyond repair. Only time will tell.

But for now, I'm re-setting my count on the basis that I broke the spirit of the rule, albeit not the letter of the rule. And after all, that's what's more important here: It's less for me about quitting porn and more about getting myself to a healthy state of mind.